Helping Your Child with Regulation: What Parents Need to Know
If your child struggles with big emotions, sudden meltdowns, or seems to go from calm to overwhelmed in seconds—you’re not alone. Many children with autism or motor differences have a hard time staying “regulated.” But what does that actually mean?
In this blog, we’ll explain what regulation is, why some kids struggle with it, and how you—as a parent or caregiver—can help. Whether your child is nonspeaking, sensory-sensitive, or just has big reactions to small things, this guide is here to support you.
What Is Regulation?
Regulation and co-regulation in children means being able to manage emotions, your body, and your energy level. It’s what helps us feel calm, alert, and ready to learn or talk with others.
When you’re regulated, you can:
- Stay calm when something frustrating happens
- Focus your attention
- Make good choices in the moment
- Feel your emotions without being controlled by them
Some people describe regulation as having a sense of “balance” inside your body and brain.
But here’s the thing—kids aren’t born knowing how to do this. We all learn it through something called co-regulation. That’s when a caring adult helps a child feel safe, calm, and supported—until they can do it more on their own.
Why Regulation Is Hard for Some Kids
Some children, especially those with sensory or motor differences, struggle to stay regulated. That’s because their nervous systems are more sensitive to things like noise, lights, movement, or emotions in the room.
They might get overwhelmed by sounds we barely notice. Or they may need more movement to feel alert. Their brains and bodies are trying hard to make sense of the world—but it can be too much.
When that happens, their arousal level (how alert or activated they feel) gets out of balance. And that makes regulation really hard.
The Brain Behind Regulation
There’s a part of the brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) that helps control how awake and alert we are. It’s like the brain’s “gatekeeper,” deciding what we pay attention to and how we respond to the world.
This system is affected by:
- Sensory input (like touch, sound, and light)
- Emotions
- Chemicals in the brain (like dopamine and serotonin)
When the RAS is working well, kids can feel calm and focused. But when it’s out of sync, kids may go into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode—even if there’s no real danger.
Sensory Differences and Arousal Levels
Let’s break this down even more.
Some kids are hyper-responsive—they react too strongly to things. That means they might have a high arousal level and feel too alert or overstimulated.
Others are hypo-responsive—they don’t respond much at all. That means they might have a low arousal level and seem tired, spacey, or disconnected.
Many children with autism, whole body apraxia, or sensory processing disorder fall into one of these groups. They’re not trying to be difficult—they’re just experiencing the world differently.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Since kids can’t always calm down on their own, they need a regulated adult to help them. That’s what co-regulation is.
Co-regulation means you use your own calm presence, voice, and energy to help your child feel safe and supported. It’s a shared moment where you help your child adjust their energy level—just like dancing together.
This might look like:
- Slowing your voice when your child gets upset
- Giving a deep hug when they’re overwhelmed
- Sitting quietly next to them without asking questions
- Matching their breathing and helping them slow down
It’s not about fixing the problem—it’s about being present in a calm, connected way.
Early Signs of Stress to Watch For
It’s helpful to notice the early signs that your child is starting to become dysregulated. If you can catch it early, you have a better chance of helping them before the dysregulation happens.
Here are some signs to look for:
- Making more noise than usual
- Sudden, jerky body movements
- Clenching their fists or jaw
- Hard staring or pinching
Any behavior that feels more intense or different from their “normal”
When you see these signs, try not to talk too much. Keep your voice soft and calm. Focus on helping their body feel safe.
How to Help Your Child Regulate
When your child starts to dysregulate, here’s what you can do:
1. Lower Your Voice and Energy
Kids often “match” our energy. If you stay grounded, you help them feel grounded too.
2. Focus on Intentional Movement
Choose a simple task that requires their body to engage such as picking something up, or carrying something. Keep their attention on purposeful movement. That helps their brain stay engaged and not fall back into the fight or flight.
3. Try Breathing Exercises
Breathing can help calm the nervous system—especially if you extend the exhale. You can:
- Model belly breaths
- Use a straw to blow out slowly
- Blow a tissue sail and watch it float
- Do it with them and model calm.
4. Avoid Talking Too Much
When kids are overwhelmed, too much talking can make it worse. Use gestures or model depending on what works best for them.
5. Be the Calm in the Storm
If you’re upset too, pause. Take a breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Kids feel your energy more than your words. Breathing together can help both of you!
Understanding the Nervous System
The vagus nerve is a key part of the body’s calming system. It’s connected to the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps slow things down and return to balance after stress.
When your child’s vagus nerve is activated (like through deep breathing or gentle movement), they’re more able to connect, communicate, and feel safe.
The key is to practice calming techniques when they are not in a dysregulated state. Practice breathing before bed. Work on inhaling and exhaling three times before you say goodnight. Not only does it help to build the motor plan for breathing, it also helps to relax before going to sleep.
Bottom-Up vs. Top-Down Support
There are two ways we help kids with regulation:
Bottom-Up Strategies – These focus on the body. Examples include breathing, movement, swinging, pressure, or sensory tools.
Top-Down Strategies – These focus on the brain. Examples include listening to a podcast or audiobook. Reading a book that is age appropriate.
Younger kids tend to need more of the bottom-up strategies first. Older children often need both. Try both strategies and then decide what is best for your child.
What If I’m Not Regulated?
Let’s be honest—sometimes we aren’t regulated either.
You might feel:
- Overwhelmed
- Frustrated
- Embarrassed
- Hopeless
That’s okay. You’re human.
Here’s what to do:
- Focus on your breath – breathing is a great way for us to regulate as well!
- Notice your body (feet on the ground, shoulders soft)
- Use your own calming tools (music, water, deep breaths)
- Stay in the present—don’t worry about what others think or what might happen next
When you get regulated, you become the anchor your child needs. At Spellers Center Tampa, we help by showing you techniques on how to help with regulation and co-regulation in children.
Putting It All Together
regulation and co-regulation in children isn’t about stopping meltdowns.
It’s about building a strong, safe connection—so they can feel more in control of their body and emotions.
Remember:
- Regulation is a skill.
- Co-regulation is the path to learning it.
- Sensory and motor differences make this harder—but not impossible.
- Your calm, grounded presence is the most powerful tool you have.
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up.
Breathe. Connect. Be present.
You’re doing better than you think.
Be sure to check out the Spellers Documentary to see how Spellers Method has impacted so many people’s lives.
